You Bury Me
by SCS12
Summary: Nine relationship words that aren't translatable into English.
1. Saudade

**Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist".**

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When Derek leaves Beacon Hills for a camping trip with his family when he's 14 he feels it for the first time—a deep sense of loss that settled in his gut for the entire trip. It wasn't a sad feeling, necessarily. It was the feeling that something that had been there before was no longer present. When his father asks him what is wrong, he just shakes his head. Uncle Peter gives him a knowing look, but Derek can't possibly understand what it is Peter knows.

Derek mentally shakes himself and then goes to his sister Laura and tugs her braid, already transforming himself into his half wolf form as he scampers off.

When he gets back to Beacon Hills, Derek feels freer, as if the thing he lost has suddenly been found, and he puts it out of his head.

He doesn't leave Beacon Hills against for another year. Although the Hale pack has always been fairly stable and well-respected in the supernatural community, it seems his father and mother and older siblings and all other adults in the pack are always off dealing with some problem or another. There doesn't seem to be enough time to take any more camping trips, so he and Laura and their younger siblings and cousins make due running in the preserve around their house.

The next time he leaves Beacon Hills, Derek hardly notices the feeling of loss come back again, he's so weighed down by the guilt and sorrow of losing his entire family to his stupid mistakes. If anything, he attributes the feeling of loss to the death of everyone in his family besides Laura.

So they move on and away, Laura trying to keep her and Derek together and Derek simply trying to escape the guilt he feels every time something reminds him of his family. They finally settle with a mated werewolf couple in New York who were friends of their parents and willing to help a brand new alpha and her brooding, quiet, little brother.

That's probably worse than anything for Derek, as the couple, Cate and Aaron, remind him daily of his Uncle Peter and Aunt Jessica. Derek still remembered hearing stories of how Peter saw Jessica as she sat down in class their freshman year of high school and they had been inseparable since. Peter used to joke that he felt like someone has died when they were away from each other for too long. Jessica had went away for college, but said that she felt so lost, so sad, when she was gone that she transferred closer as soon as she could.

It was almost unheard of, his father said, that Peter and Jessica's bond was that strong. His father said he could feel Derek's mother when she was near or in times of strong emotion, but to feel a loss from separation? He had never heard of it. Derek used to dream that he would find a bond that strong. He could almost picture the girl—blond hair, blue eyes, a smile as big as her face—but he stops imagining her after a blond hair, blue eyed girl, with a smile as big as her face and crueler than he'd ever seen, lit fire to his family. He stops dreaming he'll find any kind of bond. He knows he doesn't deserve one.

When Derek goes back to Beacon Hills 8 years later he is so focused on his sister's death and revenge and anger and guilt and every pent up emotion he's been repressing since his family's death that he doesn't even notice that the sense of loss eases up for the first time since the fire. Doesn't even notice when it goes away completely as he yells at two kids wandering the woods.

When Stiles is 7 years old, his mother dies. The first few days after she passes, he's in shock. He doesn't cry, doesn't shout, doesn't talk, really. He just stares, not at anyone in particular, but off into space. At the funeral, though, he finally snaps out of his shock. Unfortunately, it is into a panic attack. He's gasping for air that his lungs can't seem to find. He's shaking and falling, his legs unable or unwilling (he's not sure) to hold him up. He vaguely understands that there are people around him, shouting, crying, overwhelmed with the emotion of both a funeral and their own helplessness, but he can't find the energy or the focus to care.

But then there's a boy, a teenager, really, holding him close, rubbing his hand in circles on Stiles's back. Later he thinks it might have been the child of one of his mother's friends, but he never got a name and it never seemed to matter. All Stiles can think about is the boy holding him, ordering him in stern, but quiet tones to breath with him. He can feel the boy's lungs expand as he takes a breath, and Stiles tries, he really tries, to breathe in sync with him.

Finally, the attack seems to subside and Stiles notices the people around him. He sees his mother's sister, terrified and paralyzed, unable to help. He sees other funeral goers equally scared and helpless looking. But it's his father's face that gets to him. The look on the Sheriff's face is enough to harden Stiles's resolve to not show this weakness to his father again. He can't be a burden.

Stiles hears his father thank the boy, after a moment. "I… just, thank you. I don't know what you did, but you calmed him down. You made him okay."

"It's no problem. My older brother gets panic attacks like these, since he got back from Afghanistan. PTSD, I think they call it. He said with the way our family heals, he had a duty to fight, but I don't think he counted for emotional injury. Sometimes you just have to make him breathe."

But then the boy blushes, even the tips of his ears going red, as if he's said too much. He scampers back to a large group of people that look remarkably like him. His family, Stiles guesses.

Two weeks later, Stiles wakes up, gasping. He has a feeling in his stomach, one of deep loss. At first he thinks it's something different than the loss of his mother, but he shakes his head. What else could it be?

For three days, Stiles is walking on edge—feeling just one sad or guilty thought away from a panic attack. A few days after the funeral, his father had him see a counselor, to help with his grief. She had given Stiles some short-term coping techniques and some medicine that was supposed to help, but for a seven year old who lost his mother, she said only more therapy would truly help. The coping techniques help, to an extent, but he stays away from his father as much as possible that weekend, trying not to let the Sheriff see that anything is wrong with his son.

After three days, the sense of loss lightens a little. Stiles isn't sure why, but he doesn't question it. He just sighs, relieved that a panic attack isn't so close to the surface.

A year later, the feeling of loss returns. Stiles attributes it to it being so near the anniversary of his mother's death, but it doesn't go away. He learns to live with it. He's long since learned to control or hide his panic attacks from his father and his best friend Scott, and he figures this is just one more thing to add. His father is so wrapped up in a huge arson case that Stiles barely has to hide it from him at all.

Scott's mom catches the tail end of a panic attack, as Stiles is hiding in the bathroom. He begs her not to tell his father, and though she gives him a side-eyed glance, she complies.

Stiles knows that he's too old to believe in fairy tales. Girls could still talk about them, but at 8 years old, boys should only care about action figures and superheroes. He can't help believe in soul mates, though. He knows that his mother was the end all, be all for his father. He can't let his father know he is having panic attacks. He has to be strong for his father, because his father had his world ripped away from him and he was still being strong for his son.

So Stiles hides and controls and ignores the feeling of loss that settles in and he stays strong for his father.

8 years later, Stiles is so caught up in Scott's transformation in a werewolf that the adrenaline and fear and sheer novelty of the situation keeps him from noticing the sense of loss lessening. When Derek Hale is screaming at him and Scott for trespassing, Stiles is far too afraid and nervous to notice that his sense of loss is gone completely.


	2. Koi No Yokan

**Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love.**

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When Derek is 14 years old, he attends the funeral of one of his mom's friends. He met her once, he thinks, and Derek has seen her husband, the Sheriff, around town a few times. When her seven year old son, Stiles, Derek learns later, has a panic attack, Derek feels an overwhelming need to calm him down. He's done it before, for his brother, and so he puts his arms around the boy and rubs his back soothingly. Derek commands the boy to breathe with him and eventually, the attack subsides.

When Derek pulls away, he finally notices the smell that has been permeating his senses. The smell is dizzying. It smells like home and family and something Derek can't quite put his finger on, but he knows that if he could, he would sit here, holding this boy and smelling him till the day he died. The boy is intoxicating.

When the Sheriff thanks him, Derek is so thrown off by the boy's scent that he rambles on and almost gives away his family's secret. He can feel himself blush and he runs as fast as he can back to his family.

9 years later, Derek is in the back of a cop car, fuming that these two boys have accused him of Laura's murder. When the human one jumps into the front seat, though, Derek's senses are assaulted. Stiles smells like pack. Derek hasn't smelled that since Laura left to come to Beacon Hills and despite his anger, Derek can't help but be slightly comforted. When he leans forward, face almost pressed to the bars, Derek is overcome with a feeling of possessiveness and something in him is screaming '_Mine. Mine. Mine'_. He blanches, but by that point, Stiles is already being hauled out of the car by the Sheriff and Derek's face reverts to an angry glare and he refuses to even think about Stiles or his scent.

When Kate Argent shoots him, Derek has no choice but to go to Scott for help. Somehow he ends up in the passenger seat of Stiles's jeep for hours and that scent drives him crazy. Derek just wants to jump him and claim him, but he sits there, listening to Stiles's rapid heartbeat and constant chatter. By the time he is screaming at Stiles to cut off his arm, Derek is so worked up over the pain from the bullet and Stiles that he knows he's scaring Stiles, but he can't help it. It's either scream or jump him and the latter is not really an option. So he ignores the feeling as best as he can and continues his antagonistic relationship with Stiles.

After that, he can't keep thoughts of Stiles out of his mind. As he methodically fists himself in the shower, it's those eyes, those lips, the feel of Stiles's body as Derek shoves him against a wall. All day, every day, Stiles is in his thoughts. He swears he can smell him, no matter where is he in town. Derek is actually calmed when he can hear Stiles's erratic heartbeat. Even when he's sure Stiles hates him, Derek can't stop thinking about him.

It's driving him crazy, but he can't do anything about it. He finally realizes what this means. He's realizes he's known all along what this means. When he was 14 and comforting a boy at a funeral, he knew what it was, somewhere in the back of his mind.

Mate.

He knows he doesn't have a choice. He knows that Stiles is the perfect mate. Loyal, smart, brave. More than that, he can make Derek smile and even laugh sometimes. He understands pain and understands losing family. His humanness keeps Derek grounded in a way that even anger can't do. It's what his wolf wants. And somewhere in the deepest part of his mind, the part where he locks away every feeling he doesn't want to deal with, the part he ignores as much as possible, it's what he wants too.

But Stiles is 16. Only 16 years old. Far too young. Derek refuses to become Kate Argent and so he says nothing, does nothing.

But at night it's still Stiles's face starting back at him in his dreams.

When Stiles meets Derek, he hates him. Scott and Stiles both know Derek is a werewolf. His body language just seems to practically scream it, just as he's screaming at them. And Stiles hates him. Hates him, because he's so scared of him. Stiles isn't scared of things. His dad is a cop. He goes hunting in the woods for bodies. Fear is clearly not one of his most used emotions.

But Derek scares Stiles like almost nothing can.

Because while for a while there, Scott and Stiles were convinced Derek was a killer, it's not just that. Since the moment Stiles first sees Derek screaming in the woods, he can't stop thinking about him.

Stiles doesn't do anything small. He sets a goal or gets obsessed and he sticks to it. He's been in love with Lydia Martin for 7 years. He's spent the past 8 determined to get his father eating right. Hell, Scott is a really terrible friend half of the time, but he's still been Stiles's best friend since they were six years old. Once Stiles gets started on something, it doesn't start.

But none of those even remotely compare to this thing (this obsession, if he's being honest with himself) that he feels about Derek. And that scares him more than anything.

Even when he legitimately believes Derek to be a killer, Derek is all Stiles can think about it. He lives for the smiles he can bring to the surface with his inane rambling. He thinks his heart might actually stop when he gets (okay, the one time he got) Derek to laugh.

And though he got through his sexual identity crisis a few years ago, Stiles still feels guilty and ashamed when it's Derek's face he sees as he's lying in bed, one hand under the covers and one in his mouth to muffle the sounds.

More than that, he's ashamed of how he feels around Derek. Everything in his mind is screaming '_Mine mine mine_!' and he's starting to feel like those stupid birds from Finding Nemo. When he's around Derek, he mirrors his movements and brushes against him constantly. He doesn't know why he does it or why he can't stop and he hates it. He hates feeling so drawn to this man. He hates the way his heart flutters just to see Derek in a good mood. He hates the way his body curves into the touch when Derek throws him against a wall. He doesn't know what this is or how to stop it and he hates it. And so he hates Derek.

But when those eyes flash in his window at night, he can't help the small surge of excitement and the brief quirk of his lips.


	3. La Douleur Exquise

**La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have.**

_This one is relatively short compared to the other chapters. I would have rather incorporated it into a different chapter, but I felt like that would be cheating. On the bright side, the next chapter should be up faster and Stiles and Derek are actually going take a step forward (well, more one step forward, two steps back, but you know how it is...) so hopefully that makes up for it!_

_Also, have I mentioned, the story is based on this post: post/37736843064/ten-relationship-words-that-arent-translatable-into_

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Sixteen years old. Only sixteen.

Derek thinks if he keeps saying it enough, it will quash the desire coursing through him. No. Not desire. Something more.

He's felt desire. He desired Kate. She was everything he thought he wanted. Beautiful and older and experienced. There was more hormone than feeling in that desire.

This is so much purer than that. It's the desire to protect. It's the desire to be close to him. The desire to make Stiles smile and laugh and talk a mile a minute.

Derek doesn't know when this started. Well, he does. The second he realizes Stiles is his mate. But he doesn't know when this was something he admitted to wanting.

But he sees the way Stiles looks at him him. He can hear Stiles's heart race whenever he gets near. He can smell the fear that rolls of of him.

And he doesn't want Stile to fear him. God, he doesn't want that.

But it's so much easier if he does. It's so much easier if Stiles is scared of him, because then Stiles won't want to get near him.

So Derek growls. And threatens. And he shoves Stiles up against walls and glares. (And he will in no way admit how much he enjoys the shove against the wall; the feel of his body crowding around Stiles, holding him.)

But Derek also finds more excuses to see Stiles. He finds arbitrary things that he _needs_ Stiles to look up.

And its to Stiles he goes when suddenly, he's a wanted fugitive. Again.

He's been addicted to Stiles's scent since he first smelled it, but this is different. Hiding in Stiles's room for days on end is something different. The Sheriff doesn't come in here often. Hardly at all. And his scent is just an afterthought in a room the is purely Stiles.

To Derek, this smells like comfort. It smells like safety. It smells like home.

He has to stop himself multiple times from burrowing into Stiles's clothes, trying to inhale the scent.

When Stiles tells him to change shirts, Derek looks up guiltily, just for a moment. As if Stiles can read his thoughts.

But he mentally shakes himself as he realizes what Stiles actually wants.

He knows he should feel angry or used or something, but mostly he feels content. He can smell Stiles on him now, even in these absurdedly tiny shirts. Sure, he growls and glares and puts on a show, but inside he's as close to happy as he's been since before he came back, before Laura died.

Sixteen years old. Only sixteen. He keeps trying to remind himself. And with everything going on, it's easy to stay away and focus on other things.

But he can't help himself if a few days later, when he knows Stiles is at school and the Sheriff is at work, he sneaks back through the window and steals the blue and oranga monstrosity that smells like them both.


	4. Ilunga

**Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.**

_I didn't get to post this as quickly as I would have liked, but real life got in the way. I also didn't really know how to end it, so.. oops? On the other hand, it's a longer than the last chapter. That has to make up for something. Enjoy!_

___Based on this tumblr post: post/37736843064/ten-relationship-words-that-arent-translatable-into_

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The first time it happens, Stiles figures he kind of deserves it. Maybe getting his head slammed into the steering wheel isn't the same as making a guy strip for some good information, but Derek isn't exactly known for his people skills. Plus, Stiles figures, even if he won't ever admit it to anyone, Danny wasn't the only one who enjoyed the show, so maybe he deserves a little punishment for it.

Not the he appreciates yet another bruise that he'll have to explain away to his father, but at least he got something out of it.

The second time it happens, well, it's not even Derek this time. But it was Derek's orders. Maybe Erica was the one to actually hit him, but Stiles knows she only did it because Derek told her to.

By that point, though, Stiles is so furious with Derek that it doesn't matter what he does and what he orders people to do, because Stiles can't see anything through his rage. It's one thing to attack Stiles, but a whole different thing to go after Lydia…or any of his friends for that matter. And Derek wasn't going to stop.

Later, he's almost forgotten it. Well, not forgets it exactly, but there's too much going on for Stiles to have time to focus on yet another bruise, another injury, to add to the growing list since Scott became a werewolf. In the back of the head, Stiles remembers it as something that has happened, but there are far too many dangerous people out there to count Derek as one of them.

The third time, though. That's different.

Stiles is just getting back to his house and he sees his dad's car is not in the driveway. For a second, Stiles wishes he were home, but thinks better of it. Although his father seemed to buy (or at least pretend to buy) the lie that a group of lacrosse players had beat him up, rather than Gerard Argent, Stiles doubts that his father would buy any story he could come up with about running out of his house and somehow getting even more bruises from driving his car into a lizard…werewolf…thing.

So he sighs and drags himself up to his room, hell bent on crashing on his bed and sleeping for hours.

The second he opens the door, though, he's shoved against the wall, an arm across his throat.

"What were you doing tonight? You shouldn't have been there. You were hurt."

Derek is growling now, his face less than an inch from Stiles's own.

Stiles can't answer, though.

He's never particularly minded Derek's penchant for throwing him against walls, but this is different. Normally it's just Derek crowding him against a wall, using his broader physique to intimidate Stiles into some sort of submission. And, he sometimes admits to himself, Stiles actually likes the feel of Derek's body pressed against his own.

But this is different. Derek isn't just crowding him, he's pinned him. Derek's arm is pushed so hard into his throat Stiles can barely draw a breath, much less answer Derek.

But he's not scared. He's never really been scared of Derek. Never afraid Derek actually means Stiles harm. And he's only honestly hurt him once. Twice if you count Erica acting on his orders. But Derek is doing it again. Not even realizing that he's hurting Stiles. That he is physically keeping Stiles from air. And so Stiles is done.

And he's angry. So angry. Stiles is so tired, after tonight. He's tired of being pushed around and talked down to and not told things. He's angry that when he saves them all from Jackson, _again_, Derek's only response is to ask why he was even there. To tell them he shouldn't have been there.

So he pushes back.

He's self-aware enough to realize that the only reason Derek falls back is because of surprise and not from any superior strength or skill on Stiles's part. But it was enough to get Derek to move.

And although Derek growls, his eyes flashing red, Stiles advances on him, catching his breath.

"No. No. You don't get to do this. You don't get to hurt me, because I did something you don't like. I'm an asset. I've saved you as many, if not more, times than you've saved me. And I saved you tonight."

Stiles's voice is growing steadier as he faces down a glaring Derek.

"I forgave the steering wheel thing. I figured I deserved it. And I ignored you sending Erica after me, because there was about a million other things going on right then. But not anymore. I'm not one of your wolves. You can't just hurt me to get what you want."

Derek stops growling, his red eyes fading to their natural color. Stiles pushes forward as Derek backs up. It's a sign of submission that Stiles doesn't expect, but looking back, he'll appreciate.

"Scott needs you, even if he doesn't get it right now. I get that. And I'm not leaving him, so I'll be here. I'll be around. But you do not get to touch me. To hurt me, just because you can. I may not be a werewolf, but I'm not weak. I'm not fragile."

At this point, Stiles's anger is cooling down as he realizes he's pushed Derek nearly back to another wall. For a moment, he starts internally freaking out, because, hello, giant scary alpha werewolf versus puny human.

But then Derek breathes deeply. Sniffs, if Stiles is correct, and he thinks he is.

And quick as a flash, Derek has their positions flipped and has Stiles pinned against a wall again.

But this time, he's not threatening. He's not growling.

This time he crashed his mouth against Stiles's; lips pressed so hard that their teeth are clacking together.

It takes Stiles a second to realize once it's happening, but in an instant he's reciprocating.

It's not exactly a good kiss, but there's passion in it. Before he knows it, Stiles is arching his body into Derek's, trying to push them as close together as possible. Derek's tongue has somehow forced its way into Stiles's mouth and Derek's body has engulfed him, pressed tightly together. Stiles can't help but let out a moan.

Abruptly, Derek pulls back, breathing heavily.

"I—I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Stiles is to wired up from the kiss to even realize Derek just apologized.

"I'm sorry."

Derek repeats one more time and then jumps out the window. Stiles heard that one.

And maybe it wasn't quite what Stiles was expecting, but it was an apology. And maybe something more.


End file.
